Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

With the popularity of the “Free Obama Phone” You Tube video right now I thought it was a good time to repost this. I wrote it back on July 27th of this year. I guess for once I was ahead of the curve!

Living The American Dream

Dear Taxpayer,

I don’t have to feed myself, I have an EBT for that.

I don’t have to shelter myself, I get money from HUD for that.

I don’t have to pay my utilities, I get money from LIHEAP for that.

I don’t have to pay for my health care, I get money from HRSA for that.

I don’t have to pay to travel, I use publicly funded free transportation.

I don’t have to pay for education, I get FSA for that.

I don’t have to pay for a cell phone, I get money from “Lifeline” for that.

I am living the American Dream. You are paying for it.

Don’t worry I won’t bother thanking you by attempting to do things for myself. I plan on complaining about numerous other things until it becomes popular to force you to pay for them as well.

Sincerely,

Welfare Warrior

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I find that the “immigration issue” is being politicized by both political parties in the United States. One side claims to be concerned with the human lives in danger if illegal immigrants continue to be allowed in, the other side claims to be concerned with the human lives that are in danger when the border with Mexico is militarized. The real problem is that both of them are correct with their concerns and neither side offers a realistic or valuable solution. Instead, we get backdoor amnesty moves like what Obama pulled recently in an attempt to “buy” votes. Instead, we get Presidential candidates declaring that they would erect another fence but this time it would be better…..yeah that works because the issue is that we are dealing with total idiots who can’t figure out a way to get around a taller fence.

We have a weak and struggling economy (although some of you are brainwashed to think that we don’t). We have huge problems with regulatory overreach by Federal agencies. We have soldiers in harms way for little to no reason. We are picking fights with more and more countries. Our national debt is growing rapidly. The budget deficit continues to widen. We have the worst drought in decades set in on the midwest, the nations crops are failing…..and we continue to talk about things like illegal immigration, Obamas birth certificate, and gay marriage. These things are not unimportant (well actually one is), but they are issues that are paraded around by the politicians and fomented by the press to create division among the populace. There is no intention of resolving these types of issues, these are the volleyball issues that neither party wants to solve. As long as they can hit the ball back over the net it will be the other sides problem to deal with. Occasionally one side will get a point over the other and just like volleyball one of the teams on the court always wins, the audience gets nothing more than a good feeling.

In retaliation for their constant back and forth I have written this, to express how ridiculous it all is.

These satirical letters to the American people are examples of how to secure the border from a “Right” and “Left” perspective.

RIGHT WING PERSPECTIVE.
Dear Patriots,

In order to secure our southern border the Federal Government will be declaring eminent domain over all private land within 25 miles of the border. After all legal citizens have been assisted with their relocation to newly built relocation assistance camps we will be detonating a series of tactical thermonuclear weapons along the border. This will create an impenetrable line of radiation that will need no maintenance and no supervision for decades. To further ensure that no illegal aliens can make it through there will be drones patrolling from overhead. These will not be surveillance drones, these will be the most sophisticated armed hunter killer drones available. The drone operators will be instructed to shoot anything that moves. The protection of legal citizens is our highest priority, take note that entering the border zone will be highly dangerous and should be avoided.

As residents of the border zone are aware, the enemy has become quite proficient at tunneling. At the outside edge of the irradiated zone the Army Corps of Engineers will take hundreds of machines and thousands of low wage unskilled workers and dig a trench across the border. This trench will be roughly 20 feet wide by 50 feet deep. Steel plates, steel rebar, steel beams, and billions of yards of concrete will fill this massive trench. Permanent ground penetrating radar stations will constantly monitor the earth around and below the “great underground wall”. Any evidence of a tunnel under the wall will be met with the finest bunker busting bombs delivered by the border air patrol. That’s right, in the name of “national security” no expense will be spared. An entire squadron of fighter jets will be on the ready to meet any air, or underground breach of the border. Again, the safety and security of all legal citizens is our highest priority. As a result, no commercial or private air traffic will be permitted near the border zone.

The enemy is crafty and has a reputation for defeating all security measures with simple and cheap methods. The best opportunity for this will be via the Gulf of Mexico. The obvious solution is an armada of the most advanced warships in the world, a network of buoy sensors, mines, and sea drones. Any inflatable raft or rowboat filled with illegal immigrants will be spotted and destroyed quickly and effectively. To ensure the safety and security of legal citizens, activity in or near the Gulf of Mexico will not be permitted.

In addition to threats created on land, by air, by sea, and underground, the enemy has adopted a “hearts and minds” campaign in the United States. To combat this offensive maneuver we are issuing wiretap warrants for every phone call made in the United States. Under the greatest legislation ever enacted, The Patriot Act, we will utilize all available resources to monitor text messages, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets and all other potentially harmful methods of communication. It is vital to national security to know everything that everyone is thinking, saying, or doing. We intend to document these potentially dangerous activities.

To further ensure the safety of American citizens the brave men and women of the United States military will be assisting law enforcement indefinitely. Rest assured America, the most noble, brave, intelligent, well trained, awesome people of our society are in those uniforms, nothing can go wrong.

The total cost of this vital defense is nearly impossible to project, likely start up costs will be in the trillions. Maintenance costs will likely be even higher. But we are not talking about a dam or bridge. We are talking about the future of this great nation. If this plan is not enacted, we will all be speaking Spanish in 2 years. Loaves of bread will no longer exist, instead only tortillas will be found. The American past time of barbecue grilling will vanish along with polish sausages, ribs, steaks, and hot dogs. Numerous combinations of cheese, shredded meat, tortilla, and salsa will be the new national cuisine. Football, baseball, and basketball will be replaced with soccer. This is guaranteed to happen. We must nuke the border, and we must suspend all laws in order to accomplish this. We will re-institute the rule of law as soon as it is safe, we promise.

– The Republican Federal Government

THE LEFT PERSPECTIVE

Dear Straight People, LGBT People, White People, Minorities, Handicapped People, Young People, Old People, Middle Aged People, Rich People, Poor People, Middle Class People, all other specific groups of people are equally considered in the writing of this Facebook status update,

We face a humanitarian crisis on our southern border! We must act quickly to ensure that no lives are unnecessarily lost, human or animal alike. As a result of the urgency of this situation we are suspending The Constitution and operating under international law as dictated..er…directed by the United Nations.

Beginning today the newly formed international joint armed forces are being deployed to every major metropolitan area within the contiguous United States. This is being done in an effort to assist local police forces with the implementation of new citizenship requirements.

The new citizenship requirements are as follows: if you can get here, you are a citizen.

This new streamlined and efficient approach is more appropriate for todays modern lifestyle. We should no longer be bound by the laws and regulations of a much more simple time. Todays fast paced world and ever changing technological advances are advancing much more quickly than law in the United States. Because of this disconnect between trends and law, the office of the Presidency in cooperation with the United Nations has dissolved congress and the supreme court. The three bickering and partisan branches of government are inefficient and legislation was far too difficult to enact under the old system. Through internet polling and Facebook “Likes” the United States will engage in a direct democracy where the people and the President make the choice, after UN approval, your choice will be law. Gone are the stumbling points of the outdated Republican form of government that this nation struggled under for over 200 years.

Along with the new “true democratic” method of decision making our great nation is moving toward equality on many fronts. To help ensure the equality between new immigrants and current citizens we have taken the advice of some of the most highly educated Americans and implemented a new policy of disarmament. The weak and unarmed will no longer suffer at the hands of those with weapons. What was once considered the great equalizer has since turned into a tool of inequality, pitting man against man and resulting in murder.

We expect the Religious Right Wing Republicans to resist disarmament. They cling to their Bibles and guns in times of change. The resulting uprising must be squashed. But do not be afraid, as we move forward into this new and great America the international armed forces of the UN will protect Americans from any violent uprising. Any individual posing a threat to the collective will be dealt with accordingly.

In this great time of change the wealth issues facing America must be addressed. In order for the advancement of this society we must break down the class barriers that exist. Science has proven that in the animal kingdom and in human history it is unnatural for people or animals to differentiate themselves from the collective because of talent or access to resources. The most successful species do no specialize their work or their workers thus compensation is not specialized, this is a scientific fact. It is time for the 99% to all be part of the 1%.

Join us as we push forward! Join us as we change America! Join us as we bring hope, love, happiness, and equality to everyone! Join us as we eliminate racism, murder, trans fats, sugary drinks, and wealth!*

– The Modern Democratic Federal Government

*All Americans are encouraged to participate however, if you are religious, wealthy, less educated, untrendy, and less “green”, please do not bother rallying with us. We can spot you. You will be imprisoned. Thanks!

Living The American Dream

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Satire
Tags: ,

Dear Taxpayer,

I don’t have to feed myself, I have an EBT for that.

I don’t have to shelter myself, I get money from HUD for that.

I don’t have to pay my utilities, I get money from LIHEAP for that.

I don’t have to pay for my health care, I get money from HRSA for that.

I don’t have to pay to travel, I use publicly funded free transportation.

I don’t have to pay for education, I get FSA for that.

I don’t have to pay for a cell phone, I get money from  “Lifeline” for that.

I am living the American Dream.
You are paying for it.

Don’t worry I won’t bother thanking you by attempting to do things for myself. I plan on complaining about numerous other things until it becomes popular to force you to pay for them as well.

Sincerely,

Welfare Warrior

What we must regulate and/or ban.

Posted: July 26, 2012 in Satire

Recent reports indicate that the Aurora shooter most likely started his psychotic break after he failed a difficult oral exam in school.

Other recent reports show that the shooter mailed a journal filled with the details of the shooting he planned on carrying out to his psychiatrist. The journal sat undelivered in the mail room for a week before the shooting.

Clearly the most obvious solution and the best crime prevention measures that we can take are to ban difficult tests and mandate that all mail be delivered in one day or less.

I would also like to see mandatory journal writing implemented nationwide. If everyone could just put their feelings onto paper they would feel much better. It would also create an easy way for the government to monitor your sanity. (Wait a minute….this sounds an awful lot like writing a blog….)

In conjunction with a total ban on anything with a point, sharp edge, or the ability to emit a projectile the ban of any potential stressor should stop all crime. Additional measures to prevent all criminal activity obviously include the ability to receive mail in an expedient fashion.

Expect this genius solution to be proposed by intellectuals such as Chuck Schumer, because he has all of the solutions to all of the worlds problems.

I hope you weren’t seeking something serious or worth while when you found this.

Game Changer

Posted: June 7, 2012 in Satire
Tags:

It’s time to change the game with a game changing announcement.

Today I decided, after months of contemplation, that the game was no longer suitable. It needs to undergo changes.

When I was assessing the game it was evident that there was room for improvement in many areas. These changes will not be made half heartedly. Rest assured, when I begin changing the game I will give it 110%.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda, game change is here.

One by one, game change is done.

If you’re not first, you should change the game.

Commitment to game changing.

Get the point? This phrase is worn out!

Quit saying “game changer”.

Thank you.

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The Government likes to tell us what we can and can’t do. Here is a list of government approved activities.

You may…..

Join the military at age 17 or get drafted at 18*

Just don’t try to smoke a cigarette, drink a beer or gamble before you go to die for your freedoms….

Have Sex*

*just don’t do it anally, or outside of your home, or unless you’re both over 18 (Im not advocating pedophilia with that last statement. Im referring to a situation where a 17 year old boy gets charged with statutory rape for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend)

Get Married*

*after you fill out these papers, pay this fee, file the proper tax forms, and of course are of the opposite sex.

Eat Food and Drink*

*just not raw milk, raw beer, water from an uninspected well, in some places water from plastic bottles, soda but only after you pay the soda tax, fried chicken as long as it is free of trans fats, etc.

Work on your house*

*after you have obtained a building permit and paid the necessary fee, also throughout the process and after its completion you must pay for inspections. Some work may be required by law to contract a professional, even if you are fully capable. Work includes: installing a hot water tank, any electrical or plumbing repairs, structural changes or repairs, repairs to roofing, painting, pouring concrete, window replacement, etc.)

Grow a lawn*

*lawns are still allowed but care may be restricted in some areas. Watering, fertilizing, and mowing are all subject to oversight. Also, if you have a dog and he wants to poop in your grass, you need to pick it up and dispose of it in the garbage.

Open A Business*

*after you get a Federal EIN, a taxpayer identification number, file articles of incorporation with the state and pay an annual fee, file your EIN with the state, get a state sales tax number, create a state sales tax account. Then you can open up….wait no, now you need your building inspected, your floor plan approved, a city business license issued, in some cases state and/or federal licenses are required (all licenses have fees), property tax will also need to paid, now just hire employees?….nope not yet, each prospective employee will need a background check, drug test, and be reported to the state and the federal government as being your employee. Don’t forget to hire a person to worry about keeping up all of your taxes, licenses, and accounting. So now you’re pretty close to opening your business….assuming you have any time or money left to do so.

Babysit Your Friends Children*

* In some places you will need to first be licensed as a child care professional, also the people you are babysitting for may need to issue you a 1099 at the end of the year for your wages earned.

Have A Group of Friends Over For Game Night*

* In some areas a gathering of a group of people (over 2) inside of your home requires a permit and your “facility” faces inspection by the fire marshall to determine whether it meets the requirements set out for public gatherings locations (This could mean no Sunday Bible Study groups, no childrens sleepovers, no holiday family dinners, and no “game nights” without government approval)

Please add to the conversation in the comment section.

If the Supreme Court deems Obamacare unconstitutional what will happen?

A)- Proponents will voluntarily band together and pay for health insurance for poor people.

B)- All the people counting on freebies will rise up and steal all of the money from the more fortunate, then out of their pure generosity and willingness to help others donate all the money they stole to the newly formed class of poor people.

C)- The Government will throw its hands in the air and leave healthcare alone.

D.)- Every person in the world will die at a young age from lack of health coverage.

What are your thoughts?