Archive for the ‘Funny News’ Category

Put on your tin foil hat, its 2012.

UFO’s carrying Mayan Indians and Nostradamus are going to shoot lasers into the core of the earth creating multiple simultaneous supervolcanic eruptions coupled with massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and black friday video game riots on December 21st this year. The only chance you have at surviving will be in the back of a limousine driven by John Cusack all the way to huge spaceship/boats built by….who else, poor Chinese children. (Please reference the influential film, 2012 starring John Cusack)

If 2012 is the end of the world then…’s the end of the world. I can’t stop it, neither can you. If a bunch of grass skirt wearing “see-ers” predicted this a couple of thousand years ago, I doubt we have much choice in the matter. If it’s going to happen then it’s going to happen.

So, what do we do in our last year? The same things that we’ve always done. Yeah, its that boring. The end of the world is boring, why you ask? If you really invest in the end of the world and it doesn’t come, you look like a real jackass the next day at work. If you shit on your bosses desk anticipating the world to end….not a good decision. So please, until Morgan Freeman comes on tv and calmly explains that we are all screwed and an asteroid is going to kill everyone except the super wealthy who are hiding in underground bunkers, don’t do anything rash.

Here are my top 5 most likely scenarios for the Apocalypse.

5. Ricky Santorum Starts World War 3

Ron Paul wins the Presidency and in frustration Rick Santorum breaks into a missile silo and launches a nuke at Iran to spur the massive war he and many other foamers so desperately want. (Foamers-war mongers foaming at the mouth to start another war)

4. McDonalds Cancels the McRib.

Remember the play dough like riblets at the school lunchroom, that is the McRib, the only reason they have not cancelled this food atrocity to date is the fear of what crazed underachievers would do. But in 2012, anything is possible.

3. Someone figures out how to kill Jack Bauer.

Fox may have ended the documentary 24, but agent Jack Bauer is still out pulling all nighters and trashing the constitution to protect Uhmurica. If someone actually kills him in 2012, it assures the apocalypse, unless the killers are then willing to give up their sources in exchange for immunity.

2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Flavored Milk

Eat a bowl of CTC. (the real stuff, not the store brand) When you’re done, drink the sugary, cinnamony milk in the bowl. Now imagine that in a bottle. If someone actually did this I fear that the end of the world is unavoidable. Nobody would eat or drink anything else, within weeks we would all be dead from malnutrition. 

1. M. Knight Shamalamadingdong makes a sequel to “The Happening”

Signs was pretty cool. The sixth sense was too. Then M Knight brought us doozies such as “the last airbender” and “the happening”. If you haven’t seen “the happening” here is my summary, Marky Mark Wahlberg spends 2 hours running from the wind while people kill themselves in terribly funny ways. A sequel seems unlikely I know, but the fact that the first movie ever got a green light is mystifying. If there is a sequel we are surely doomed.


The Chickless Farm

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Funny News
Tags: ,

I thought that with the discussion of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that Kevin and I have had, this was fitting.

Favorite Quotes:

” I have 15 cats per acre and dog’s to my love which none is mine”

Using simple math one can figure out that if this person has 15 cats per acre and they have 1-1/2 acres, they clearly own 22-1/2 cats. But where did they fine the half? Are they saying that they not only have 22-1/2 cats, they have 22-1/2 dogs as well? We are talking 45 animals on 1-1/2 acres. Are they operating a petting zoo? Do they have the infamous “catdog”? 1/2 cat and 1/2 dog? Is this where the groundbreaking Nickelodeon series got its humble beginnings, on the chickless farm?

“To my love, which none is mine.”- We have a poet on our hands here.

” so I can only have 1-1/2 chicken. where do you fine the half?”

I bet you can fine half a chicken somewhere near your 45 clawed beasts that are most likely not penned up and are roaming your neighborhood pillaging trash cans and eating children.

” I just wanted 10 chickens in a pen”

Just 10, that’s all. I’m not asking that much.  10 chickens, one pen, 45 cats and dogs, what’s the problem? I know what the problem is, the damned “city fathers” think they are better than me, yeah that has to be it, I’m going to move into the country so I can have 100’s of small animals, that will teach them.

” They tend to forget this in there glory to with they don’t show there Belt Lining”

hmm….I’m lost.

” chickless is not forever”

At least they have a positive attitude. I mean clearly they are an idiot. They are poor as shit. They have way too many animals and desire more. But they are maintaining a positive outlook on the situation, good for them.

Final Analysis:

This is what all people on fixed income (A.K.A, Government Welfare) should be doing…..hoarding farm animals. Their logic is sound though. I mean think about it, they are on a fixed income, they can’t feed themselves, so they need the chickens to lay eggs for them to eat. What about the 45 dogs and cats that they are hopefully feeding? Clearly that has nothing to do with this individual not being able to buy food, it’s all the “city fathers” fault. Also, 1-1/2 acres is not exactly farm acreage. If this person thinks that they have a farm…..they need to look around at what kind of acreage is typically ranched or farmed, it is a hell of a lot more than 1-1/2 acres.

I do agree with this person to an extent though. The government (federal, state, county, municipal) should not be able to tell you what you can and can’t have on your private property. Here is the catch though. Our rights are clearly defined and protected, if you infringe on the rights of someone else then you are breaking the law. If I were this person I would go to my neighbors, explain to them what I wanted to do and ask them to sign a petition to the city government. But we all know this person will never put that many logical thoughts together to achieve this. Good luck to the “chickless farm”, and don’t forget, this isn’t St. Louis or K.C., this is Arma bitches, and we don’t play around about our chickens.