How to secure the border with Mexico.

Posted: August 20, 2012 in Big Government, Police State, Politics, Satire
Tags: , ,

I find that the “immigration issue” is being politicized by both political parties in the United States. One side claims to be concerned with the human lives in danger if illegal immigrants continue to be allowed in, the other side claims to be concerned with the human lives that are in danger when the border with Mexico is militarized. The real problem is that both of them are correct with their concerns and neither side offers a realistic or valuable solution. Instead, we get backdoor amnesty moves like what Obama pulled recently in an attempt to “buy” votes. Instead, we get Presidential candidates declaring that they would erect another fence but this time it would be better…..yeah that works because the issue is that we are dealing with total idiots who can’t figure out a way to get around a taller fence.

We have a weak and struggling economy (although some of you are brainwashed to think that we don’t). We have huge problems with regulatory overreach by Federal agencies. We have soldiers in harms way for little to no reason. We are picking fights with more and more countries. Our national debt is growing rapidly. The budget deficit continues to widen. We have the worst drought in decades set in on the midwest, the nations crops are failing…..and we continue to talk about things like illegal immigration, Obamas birth certificate, and gay marriage. These things are not unimportant (well actually one is), but they are issues that are paraded around by the politicians and fomented by the press to create division among the populace. There is no intention of resolving these types of issues, these are the volleyball issues that neither party wants to solve. As long as they can hit the ball back over the net it will be the other sides problem to deal with. Occasionally one side will get a point over the other and just like volleyball one of the teams on the court always wins, the audience gets nothing more than a good feeling.

In retaliation for their constant back and forth I have written this, to express how ridiculous it all is.

These satirical letters to the American people are examples of how to secure the border from a “Right” and “Left” perspective.

RIGHT WING PERSPECTIVE.
Dear Patriots,

In order to secure our southern border the Federal Government will be declaring eminent domain over all private land within 25 miles of the border. After all legal citizens have been assisted with their relocation to newly built relocation assistance camps we will be detonating a series of tactical thermonuclear weapons along the border. This will create an impenetrable line of radiation that will need no maintenance and no supervision for decades. To further ensure that no illegal aliens can make it through there will be drones patrolling from overhead. These will not be surveillance drones, these will be the most sophisticated armed hunter killer drones available. The drone operators will be instructed to shoot anything that moves. The protection of legal citizens is our highest priority, take note that entering the border zone will be highly dangerous and should be avoided.

As residents of the border zone are aware, the enemy has become quite proficient at tunneling. At the outside edge of the irradiated zone the Army Corps of Engineers will take hundreds of machines and thousands of low wage unskilled workers and dig a trench across the border. This trench will be roughly 20 feet wide by 50 feet deep. Steel plates, steel rebar, steel beams, and billions of yards of concrete will fill this massive trench. Permanent ground penetrating radar stations will constantly monitor the earth around and below the “great underground wall”. Any evidence of a tunnel under the wall will be met with the finest bunker busting bombs delivered by the border air patrol. That’s right, in the name of “national security” no expense will be spared. An entire squadron of fighter jets will be on the ready to meet any air, or underground breach of the border. Again, the safety and security of all legal citizens is our highest priority. As a result, no commercial or private air traffic will be permitted near the border zone.

The enemy is crafty and has a reputation for defeating all security measures with simple and cheap methods. The best opportunity for this will be via the Gulf of Mexico. The obvious solution is an armada of the most advanced warships in the world, a network of buoy sensors, mines, and sea drones. Any inflatable raft or rowboat filled with illegal immigrants will be spotted and destroyed quickly and effectively. To ensure the safety and security of legal citizens, activity in or near the Gulf of Mexico will not be permitted.

In addition to threats created on land, by air, by sea, and underground, the enemy has adopted a “hearts and minds” campaign in the United States. To combat this offensive maneuver we are issuing wiretap warrants for every phone call made in the United States. Under the greatest legislation ever enacted, The Patriot Act, we will utilize all available resources to monitor text messages, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets and all other potentially harmful methods of communication. It is vital to national security to know everything that everyone is thinking, saying, or doing. We intend to document these potentially dangerous activities.

To further ensure the safety of American citizens the brave men and women of the United States military will be assisting law enforcement indefinitely. Rest assured America, the most noble, brave, intelligent, well trained, awesome people of our society are in those uniforms, nothing can go wrong.

The total cost of this vital defense is nearly impossible to project, likely start up costs will be in the trillions. Maintenance costs will likely be even higher. But we are not talking about a dam or bridge. We are talking about the future of this great nation. If this plan is not enacted, we will all be speaking Spanish in 2 years. Loaves of bread will no longer exist, instead only tortillas will be found. The American past time of barbecue grilling will vanish along with polish sausages, ribs, steaks, and hot dogs. Numerous combinations of cheese, shredded meat, tortilla, and salsa will be the new national cuisine. Football, baseball, and basketball will be replaced with soccer. This is guaranteed to happen. We must nuke the border, and we must suspend all laws in order to accomplish this. We will re-institute the rule of law as soon as it is safe, we promise.

– The Republican Federal Government

THE LEFT PERSPECTIVE

Dear Straight People, LGBT People, White People, Minorities, Handicapped People, Young People, Old People, Middle Aged People, Rich People, Poor People, Middle Class People, all other specific groups of people are equally considered in the writing of this Facebook status update,

We face a humanitarian crisis on our southern border! We must act quickly to ensure that no lives are unnecessarily lost, human or animal alike. As a result of the urgency of this situation we are suspending The Constitution and operating under international law as dictated..er…directed by the United Nations.

Beginning today the newly formed international joint armed forces are being deployed to every major metropolitan area within the contiguous United States. This is being done in an effort to assist local police forces with the implementation of new citizenship requirements.

The new citizenship requirements are as follows: if you can get here, you are a citizen.

This new streamlined and efficient approach is more appropriate for todays modern lifestyle. We should no longer be bound by the laws and regulations of a much more simple time. Todays fast paced world and ever changing technological advances are advancing much more quickly than law in the United States. Because of this disconnect between trends and law, the office of the Presidency in cooperation with the United Nations has dissolved congress and the supreme court. The three bickering and partisan branches of government are inefficient and legislation was far too difficult to enact under the old system. Through internet polling and Facebook “Likes” the United States will engage in a direct democracy where the people and the President make the choice, after UN approval, your choice will be law. Gone are the stumbling points of the outdated Republican form of government that this nation struggled under for over 200 years.

Along with the new “true democratic” method of decision making our great nation is moving toward equality on many fronts. To help ensure the equality between new immigrants and current citizens we have taken the advice of some of the most highly educated Americans and implemented a new policy of disarmament. The weak and unarmed will no longer suffer at the hands of those with weapons. What was once considered the great equalizer has since turned into a tool of inequality, pitting man against man and resulting in murder.

We expect the Religious Right Wing Republicans to resist disarmament. They cling to their Bibles and guns in times of change. The resulting uprising must be squashed. But do not be afraid, as we move forward into this new and great America the international armed forces of the UN will protect Americans from any violent uprising. Any individual posing a threat to the collective will be dealt with accordingly.

In this great time of change the wealth issues facing America must be addressed. In order for the advancement of this society we must break down the class barriers that exist. Science has proven that in the animal kingdom and in human history it is unnatural for people or animals to differentiate themselves from the collective because of talent or access to resources. The most successful species do no specialize their work or their workers thus compensation is not specialized, this is a scientific fact. It is time for the 99% to all be part of the 1%.

Join us as we push forward! Join us as we change America! Join us as we bring hope, love, happiness, and equality to everyone! Join us as we eliminate racism, murder, trans fats, sugary drinks, and wealth!*

– The Modern Democratic Federal Government

*All Americans are encouraged to participate however, if you are religious, wealthy, less educated, untrendy, and less “green”, please do not bother rallying with us. We can spot you. You will be imprisoned. Thanks!

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