Happy New Year!, we’re all going to die.

Posted: January 2, 2012 in Favorite Posts, Funny News, Predictions
Tags: , , , ,

Put on your tin foil hat, its 2012.

UFO’s carrying Mayan Indians and Nostradamus are going to shoot lasers into the core of the earth creating multiple simultaneous supervolcanic eruptions coupled with massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and black friday video game riots on December 21st this year. The only chance you have at surviving will be in the back of a limousine driven by John Cusack all the way to huge spaceship/boats built by….who else, poor Chinese children. (Please reference the influential film, 2012 starring John Cusack)

If 2012 is the end of the world then…..it’s the end of the world. I can’t stop it, neither can you. If a bunch of grass skirt wearing “see-ers” predicted this a couple of thousand years ago, I doubt we have much choice in the matter. If it’s going to happen then it’s going to happen.

So, what do we do in our last year? The same things that we’ve always done. Yeah, its that boring. The end of the world is boring, why you ask? If you really invest in the end of the world and it doesn’t come, you look like a real jackass the next day at work. If you shit on your bosses desk anticipating the world to end….not a good decision. So please, until Morgan Freeman comes on tv and calmly explains that we are all screwed and an asteroid is going to kill everyone except the super wealthy who are hiding in underground bunkers, don’t do anything rash.

Here are my top 5 most likely scenarios for the Apocalypse.

5. Ricky Santorum Starts World War 3

Ron Paul wins the Presidency and in frustration Rick Santorum breaks into a missile silo and launches a nuke at Iran to spur the massive war he and many other foamers so desperately want. (Foamers-war mongers foaming at the mouth to start another war)

4. McDonalds Cancels the McRib.

Remember the play dough like riblets at the school lunchroom, that is the McRib, the only reason they have not cancelled this food atrocity to date is the fear of what crazed underachievers would do. But in 2012, anything is possible.

3. Someone figures out how to kill Jack Bauer.

Fox may have ended the documentary 24, but agent Jack Bauer is still out pulling all nighters and trashing the constitution to protect Uhmurica. If someone actually kills him in 2012, it assures the apocalypse, unless the killers are then willing to give up their sources in exchange for immunity.

2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Flavored Milk

Eat a bowl of CTC. (the real stuff, not the store brand) When you’re done, drink the sugary, cinnamony milk in the bowl. Now imagine that in a bottle. If someone actually did this I fear that the end of the world is unavoidable. Nobody would eat or drink anything else, within weeks we would all be dead from malnutrition. 

1. M. Knight Shamalamadingdong makes a sequel to “The Happening”

Signs was pretty cool. The sixth sense was too. Then M Knight brought us doozies such as “the last airbender” and “the happening”. If you haven’t seen “the happening” here is my summary, Marky Mark Wahlberg spends 2 hours running from the wind while people kill themselves in terribly funny ways. A sequel seems unlikely I know, but the fact that the first movie ever got a green light is mystifying. If there is a sequel we are surely doomed.

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