Archive for November, 2011

The Chickless Farm

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Funny News
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I thought that with the discussion of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that Kevin and I have had, this was fitting.

Favorite Quotes:

” I have 15 cats per acre and dog’s to my love which none is mine”

Using simple math one can figure out that if this person has 15 cats per acre and they have 1-1/2 acres, they clearly own 22-1/2 cats. But where did they fine the half? Are they saying that they not only have 22-1/2 cats, they have 22-1/2 dogs as well? We are talking 45 animals on 1-1/2 acres. Are they operating a petting zoo? Do they have the infamous “catdog”? 1/2 cat and 1/2 dog? Is this where the groundbreaking Nickelodeon series got its humble beginnings, on the chickless farm?

“To my love, which none is mine.”- We have a poet on our hands here.

” so I can only have 1-1/2 chicken. where do you fine the half?”

I bet you can fine half a chicken somewhere near your 45 clawed beasts that are most likely not penned up and are roaming your neighborhood pillaging trash cans and eating children.

” I just wanted 10 chickens in a pen”

Just 10, that’s all. I’m not asking that much.¬† 10 chickens, one pen, 45 cats and dogs, what’s the problem? I know what the problem is, the damned “city fathers” think they are better than me, yeah that has to be it, I’m going to move into the country so I can have 100’s of small animals, that will teach them.

” They tend to forget this in there glory to with they don’t show there Belt Lining”

hmm….I’m lost.

” chickless is not forever”

At least they have a positive attitude. I mean clearly they are an idiot. They are poor as shit. They have way too many animals and desire more. But they are maintaining a positive outlook on the situation, good for them.

Final Analysis:

This is what all people on fixed income (A.K.A, Government Welfare) should be doing…..hoarding farm animals. Their logic is sound though. I mean think about it, they are on a fixed income, they can’t feed themselves, so they need the chickens to lay eggs for them to eat. What about the 45 dogs and cats that they are hopefully feeding? Clearly that has nothing to do with this individual not being able to buy food, it’s all the “city fathers” fault. Also, 1-1/2 acres is not exactly farm acreage. If this person thinks that they have a farm…..they need to look around at what kind of acreage is typically ranched or farmed, it is a hell of a lot more than 1-1/2 acres.

I do agree with this person to an extent though. The government (federal, state, county, municipal) should not be able to tell you what you can and can’t have on your private property. Here is the catch though. Our rights are clearly defined and protected, if you infringe on the rights of someone else then you are breaking the law. If I were this person I would go to my neighbors, explain to them what I wanted to do and ask them to sign a petition to the city government. But we all know this person will never put that many logical thoughts together to achieve this. Good luck to the “chickless farm”, and don’t forget, this isn’t St. Louis or K.C., this is Arma bitches, and we don’t play around about our chickens.

Die-ting

Few of you know that I am currently dieting. Yes, like a woman. I am concerned about my health more than my looks though, because¬† I have timeless good looks that don’t follow the norms of weight and quantity of hair on my head. I started at 226 and currently sit at 214. My goal is 185. I am sure to update this as I make progress. If I say nothing about it, then I’m probably getting fatter.

Dieting is shitty. I like food. I like food in large quantities. I like fatty, sugary, buttery food in large quantities. Now I get to eat just enough of semi good tasting food to keep me from feeling starved, and just little enough that my body begins to eat itself, l am willingly participating in self cannibalism. I live in the richest nation in the world. We are so fat and so rich that we have completely shunned nutritious foods and rely solely on a steady diet of highly processed poison that is clogging our arteries and widening our chairs. Here I am attempting to reverse YEARS of behavioral reinforcement, advertising, and convenience by eating 3 shrimp, a few peas, and some bland spaghetti because it will help me lose weight.

It seems like it will inevitably be a losing battle. I am destined to one day be ginormous, hopefully that day is far into the future, but the brownies, candy bars, and cheese burgers are here in the present. Not only are they in the present they are on every corner at a fast food restaurant and gas station, in line at the check out, and on every desk of every receptionist in America. I am not just dieting I am taking on an entire industry and its billions of dollars of advertising and psychological profiling. Basically I am a super bad ass rebel. A super bad ass rebel that is forced to fight the oppressive grasp of high fructose corn syrup and trans fats with steamed broccoli and lean cuts of meat. Will I win? At the end there is a poll to find out what you think.

Hello world!

Posted: November 18, 2011 in introduction

This is my official attempt at expressing my thoughts and feelings about life, politics, sports, family, and the world in an observational and hopefully comedic way. If, ok not if, When I offend you, please rememeber this is all in good fun. If we can’t laugh at ourselves as much as others then what is the point in laughing at all? I guess the point would be to laugh at the less fortunate. That would be cruel. So pretend you’re laughing at the similarities between them and you and you’re in the clear.

Grammar, punctuation, and spelling will NOT be a priority for me. If this bothers you, then fuck off. If you’re easily offended by cussing, graphic imagery, and relentless bullshit, then as stated above, fuck off. If you’re enjoying this ranting style of expression that frequently meanders into story telling and attempts at philosophy then by all means leave me a comment. If you’re not enjoying it, then tear me a new one. I will treat all commenters equally. I will gladly argue with you, unless you’re a dipshit. So please enjoy!